I seem to be saying and doing the wrong thing quite a bit lately. And I have to say that I’m really starting to feel down on myself about it. If I had written this blog yesterday, I would have been concerned that my words had damaged a very important friendship beyond repair. We’ve worked things out, but I can’t help but feel that I’m seeing a pattern. I know I’m screwing up here, but I am having the hardest time figuring out how to stop.
My intentions are good. The people that know me, REALLY know me, should know that I would never intentionally say anything to hurt someone’s feelings or insult them. I piped up to help a newbie at work today, and accidentally stepped on a higher-up’s toes because I didn’t realize she was already answering. After five years at the job I was just trying to help. She snapped at me and called me out saying that I do that a lot. Her exact words were, “We’ve been over this before, Brandi.”
It’s fucking humiliating. I don’t mean to step in and step on anyone’s toes. I swear to God, I’m just trying to help the place run smoothly. I just want to make life easier for my co-workers. P.S. This person is NOT high enough up to be calling me out for anything other than a serious screw up. I have supervisors for that.
My intentions are always good.
At home it seems I can’t say the right thing either. We have so many miscommunications it’s like to drive me NUTSO! How am I so misunderstood? How is it SO hard to forgive someone you love for saying the wrong thing.
I remember breaking up with my daughter’s dad. Miss A. was not on the way yet (we separated for almost a year before she was conceived) and I was living the rowdy life of a single girl in her twenties.
I decided I was sick of trying so hard to please everyone and worrying so much about people liking me. So I said whatever I thought. Loudly.
I was sick of people cutting me off, and feeling like no one would listen to me. So if someone interrupted me I told them to STFU because I wasn’t done talking.
Screw ‘em all.
I was sick of feeling weak, and oppressed. So I stood up for myself and tried to start fights when I thought it was necessary.
And the crazy thing was. . . People LOVED ME~!~
I couldn’t believe it. I expected to be shunned. Who want’s to be around some loud-mouthed, over-opinionated asshole? But to my great surprise I had tons of people wanting to be friends. I was never lonely, always had someone to talk to or something to do.
And now. . .
I’m not that person anymore. Five years have passed and now I just want to get along with everyone. The last thing I would want to do is offend someone so badly, especially badly enough that they would want to sever a relationship over it. I try my very best to be nice to everyone, no matter how different they might be from me, and to see the good in everything.
I’m friendly and polite to most everyone I meet. Yes, I can be quite the smart-ass and have a sarcastic sense of humor but it’s never meant to be hurtful. So what I don’t understand is why I have such a problem socializing with people. I frequently feel on the outside of groups of people--especially at work. My partner frequently feels like I am mad, annoyed or having “an attitude.”
So honestly, WTF. Like, WHAT the FUCK?!? Do I go back to that carefree mouthy bitch again? Or do I plug on, just grateful for the friends that I do have. I hate feeling like I’m in high school again. I made that place a nightmare for myself with my social bumbling. I can look back now and know what I did wrong; I just don’t want to wait twelve more years, look back on being 30 and wish that I’d had it figured out.