How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.

I seem to be saying and doing the wrong thing quite a bit lately.  And I have to say that I’m really starting to feel down on myself about it.  If I had written this blog yesterday, I would have been concerned that my words had damaged a very important friendship beyond repair.  We’ve worked things out, but I can’t help but feel that I’m seeing a pattern. I know I’m screwing up here, but I am having the hardest time figuring out how to stop. 
My intentions are good. The people that know me, REALLY know me, should know that I would never intentionally say anything to hurt someone’s feelings or insult them.  I piped up to help a newbie at work today, and accidentally stepped on a higher-up’s toes because I didn’t realize she was already answering.  After five years at the job I was just trying to help. She snapped at me and called me out saying that I do that a lot.  Her exact words were, “We’ve been over this before, Brandi.”  
Argh. 
It’s fucking humiliating.  I don’t mean to step in and step on anyone’s toes.  I swear to God, I’m just trying to help the place run smoothly.  I just want to make life easier for my co-workers.  P.S. This person is NOT high enough up to be calling me out for anything other than a serious screw up. I have supervisors for that.  


My intentions are always good. 


At home it seems I can’t say the right thing either.  We have so many miscommunications it’s like to drive me NUTSO!   How am I so misunderstood? How is it SO hard to forgive someone you love for saying the wrong thing.  


I remember breaking up with my daughter’s dad. Miss A. was not on the way yet (we separated for almost a year before she was conceived) and I was living the rowdy life of a single girl in her twenties. 
I decided I was sick of trying so hard to please everyone and worrying so much about people liking me. So I said whatever I thought. Loudly. 
I was sick of people cutting me off, and feeling like no one would listen to me. So if someone interrupted me I told them to STFU because I wasn’t done talking. 
Screw ‘em all. 
I was sick of feeling weak, and oppressed. So I stood up for myself and tried to start fights when I thought it was necessary. 
And the crazy thing was. . . People LOVED ME~!~ 
I couldn’t believe it.  I expected to be shunned. Who want’s to be around some loud-mouthed, over-opinionated asshole?  But to my great surprise I had tons of people wanting to be friends. I was never lonely, always had someone to talk to or something to do. 
And now. . .
I’m not that person anymore. Five years have passed and now I just want to get along with everyone. The last thing I would want to do is offend someone so badly, especially badly enough that they would want to sever a relationship over it.  I try my very best to be nice to everyone, no matter how different they might be from me, and to see the good in everything. 
I’m friendly and polite to most everyone I meet. Yes, I can be quite the smart-ass and have a sarcastic sense of humor but it’s never meant to be hurtful. So what I don’t understand is why I have such a problem socializing with people.  I frequently feel on the outside of groups of people--especially at work.  My partner frequently feels like I am mad, annoyed or having “an attitude.”  
So honestly, WTF. Like, WHAT the FUCK?!? Do I go back to that carefree mouthy bitch again? Or do I plug on, just grateful for the friends that I do have. I hate feeling like I’m in high school again. I made that place a nightmare for myself with my social bumbling. I can look back  now and know what I did wrong; I just don’t want to wait twelve more years, look back on being 30 and wish that I’d had it figured out. 

Chip Kelly is the perfect boyfriend

Let me start off by saying, I'm kind of a sports nut.  Not the kind that knows all the players names on all the teams in every sport--or really even one sport. But I love watching sports, especially college football.  It doesn't matter what conference, it doesn't really matter what team. I'll watch any game that's on; I love nothing better to spend rainy, Autumn Saturdays in front of the t.v, hooting and hollering at these guys running around on the field. In fact, my b.f. says he's never met a girl so into football in his life.
I might be going a little overboard.
This weekend I was talking about coaching, specifically my favorite team, the University of Oregon Ducks. (YELL-O!!)  For the first time in history, the Ducks are ranked #1 in the nation in several polls and (we'll know later today) have a chance at being ranked #1 in the B.C.S. (Bowl Championship Series) which means we have a chance to play for the National Championship! I couldn't be more delighted and give mad props to our 2nd year head coach, Chip Kelly.
I've been a Ducks fan for years, even through the bad times and it's been a rocky road for our football program. This I also attribute to the coaching staff. As my friends and I watched Oregon stomp all over UCLA this past Thursday evening, I couldn't help but remember what Duck football games used to be like.

The first half would be Great! The Ducks would be solid, the offense moving the ball down the field. Receivers had sticky hands, catching every ball the QB launched.  The offensive line would create a path for the QB or running backs to slip through. and then halftime. . .

The fuckers would fall apart!

Now, I have NO IDEA of what Coach Bellotti said to them in the locker room. But whatever it was, it wasn't working.  We'd lose yards. Interceptions. Fumbles. Quarter-back-SACKS.  Penalties on top of penalties.
The Ducks would let me down. I would be heart-broken.  DEVASTATED.

Back to this Thursday night.  It was half-time and I was on cloud nine. I knew, that unlike past seasons where I was constantly setting myself up for disappointment, that Chip Kelly would not let me down. Every game this year, even when we had a rough start, we played better after half-time than before.
And suddenly I knew.
Head Coach Chip Kelly is the perfect boyfriend.  and Mike Bellotti was that guy that you thought was the perfect guy, but always just ended up cheating on you.

Work is HELL

My job  has become hell to me. I've been at the same warehouse production job for five years and these past two weeks of being sick have been some of the best weeks of my life.  I have been too sick to go to work.  If I had been healthy enough to  have my daughter at home with me the entire time? That would have been heaven. I don't know how I'm going to go back tomorrow. What I really want is to stay at home with my 2 1/2 year-old and spend every minute possible with her before she has to go to school. She is so smart and cute and funny, unlike all other toddlers--I'm sure! 

I feel ripped off! I'm furious with her father for being a piece of shit that I couldn't possibly spend her life with. Not that I would ever want to be with him ever ever again. Yuck. I'm furious that the economy has practically destroyed my boyfriend's career, making work so scarce for him that I have to keep my shitty, miserable job that doesn't even really pay our bills. 

I want to start over. I want to be a stay-at-home mom more than anything else in the world. and at this point, I would give anything in the world for that. 

To Blog or Not to Blog

I LOVE writing, ok? I have so many thoughts, ideas and musings rattling around my head I know that writing is the best way to keep from going insane. This semi-new trend of blogging is intriguing to me. These past few days of being sick have given me quiet time, at home and alone, to wander around the internet reading some really really amazing blogs. Mostly by other mothers.  I develop tiny 'girl-crushes' on these women, admiration for their wit and perspective. They are articulate, clever, and their writing draws me in. When I receive a response to a comment I've left, my heart pitter-pats like I was back in High School and the homecoming King just winked at me.  Of course I'm not alone. Most of the blogs I'm reading have thousands of followers. 

So how do I jump in? I'm  going to  take a page from  my current favorite, Pretty All True and try my damnedest to blog every day. Kris, who writes Pretty All True is everything I wanted to be in a blogger when I started out last March. Irreverent, sexy, soul-baring and clever.  Plus she's a fellow Oregonian so I'm pretty sure we are soul sisters on some level.  

But I still don't know how to start.  How do I turn these musings and quips into something that will add anything to my readers day?  How do I get people to read what I am sharing without giving away crap every week?  I guess I just muscle through and try to write every day, right? Any advice from anyone out there that also blogs, is more than welcome. I really don't know how to do any of this; I was amazed that I managed to add links to this and I'm hoping they work.